HOW TO PROFIT FROM EBOLA

…a satirical perspective

The rate at which Nigerians are peddling fear, it’s almost palpable in public places, on social media, everywhere even a dummy can make a killing from the Ebola virus!

In my usual way of sharing opportunities with readers of my blog, I want to share 9 Secret, Highly profitable ways to Profit from Ebola in Nigeria:

1. As an International Pharmaceutical Corporation: Secretly research and manufacture an experimental drug or likely cure; Hoard it in some vault in NY or Switzerland waiting for the day the virus spreads to millions of Africans and becomes a commercially viable “viral” investment before releasing it and making billions.

2. As a RICH foreign nation: Block ALL incoming flights from entering into your country; Restrict all aid to “beggarly” African Nations, except from those you are sure to reap financial benefits from.

3. As the Federal Government of Nigeria/Minister of Health, wait until an actual case of Ebola is reported in your country

before creating massive awareness on the disease and screening traveler's (especially incoming) at our nation's gateways; keep all illegal borders open claiming you cannot block them because you don't 'run' them; Only release money for isolation tents and protective equipment when your health workers get infected with the virus because then your cronies can benefit from the contract.

4. As a Nigerian Health Care Provider (Doctor/Nurse/ Pharmacist): Shut down the government health institutions with your strikes; Fight for professional supremacy; Divert patients to your private clinic, maternity home and pharmacy and profit from the entire tragedy.

5. As a Nigerian Businessman: Import or Manufacture Sanitizers, Antibiotics and Soaps without telling the public that these don’t necessarily cure viruses even though they can improve hygiene and decrease infection risk. If you don’t want the hassles of selling original products, just get used bottled water bottles, fill them up with whatever-urine, water, etc, and sell them to gullible Nigerians for a high price as a “trusted” Ebola cure.

6. As a Religious Leader/Guru/Prophet: Claim you have the “spiritual cure” for Ebola with your “Anointed Oil”, “Holy Water”, handkerchief or whatever your gullible followers will believe can cure or prevent Ebola. And most importantly, charge premium for your ~~supernatural~~ services.

7. As a Media Outfit: Don’t verify your news reports. Simply tout what others and most especially international media have said; Create fear by reporting more “suspected” Ebola cases both in Nigeria and overseas but don’t tell the public what to do to protect themselves and prevent the spread of the disease.

8. As a Herbalist/”Natural Healer”/Native Doctor: Simply send a text message recommending “Salt Water Bath” and provide Ebola-protective Charms to your clients at Good Price; Also concoct “herbal” remedies with the claim that they are Bitter Kola, Kolanut as a matter of fact any kind of Kola-based and have the POWER to cure Ebola! You’ll be rich overnight! Trust me!

9. As a Writer/Blogger: Do what I’m doing right now, write about your new found, “SECRET” cure for Ebola! Drive traffic to your blog/book and generate ad revenues by making unverified claims, copy and paste posts from other blogs, and most importantly, don’t end up sharing any “cure” like you claim.

If you have not gotten a clue yet how you can profit from this Ebola nightmare, maybe you should re-read point #1 to #9. If you still don't get any ideas, just make a deposit of N 50,000 into my bank account and I’ll share with you my secret way to profit from Ebola as I am making N 500k monthly from Ebola Cures! (sic)

Hurry now and join the thriving business before the ~~actual~~ cure gets released by one of these Oyibo Pharmaceutical companies ~~and spoil our business~~! Offer valid while stock lasts!

DISCLAIMER: This post is an entirely satirical opinion of the writer and not hard facts. Members of the public are advised to research their facts, seek professional medical advice on Ebola and report suspected cases to the appropriate authorities. Help stop the spread of Ebola!